Valentine’s Day
– Topher Endress
This post will have a decidedly “single” flavor to it. If you are in a relationship, read on anyways, because I think this is important.
I want to be honest with all of you. You are my brothers, and while I may know some better than others, I recognize that vulnerability is key to any good relationship. And so, I want to tell everyone that I got shot down on Valentine’s Day Eve this year. Here’s how it happened: I know several Purdue people from Newburgh, a suburb of my hometown (Evansville). They had a friend from home that needed a ride back for Thanksgiving and I had the perfect schedule to take her. Of course, neither of us knew the other, but we had mutual friends and it got set up. I was naturally a bit worried that the ride would be awkward – nearly four hours with a stranger can get to monstrous levels of awkwardness if you aren’t careful. Luckily, I found that I had a lot in common with this girl and that talking to her was easy. We had a great trip together, and being a man, I naturally gauged whether I could date her or not. I tabled it for a while, until I took her back up to Purdue from Christmas Break. I decided I needed to man up and ask her out asap, since she was single and attractive. But that isn’t the whole reason why I wanted to ask her out.
When I talked to her, I found myself smiling for no good reason. And every time we hung out, it made me want to spend that much more time with her. She was kind, smart, compassionate, fun and shared with me an outlook on the world that I want to foster. I wanted to be a better man when I thought of her. And before you say the ‘L’ word, I want to stress that it wasn’t necessarily the kind of in-depth emotion you see in a chick-flick. Sure, these were valid feelings, but I wasn’t head over heels for her like that dweeb from the Notebook.
Long story short, I asked her out. Several times, in fact. But I’m no good at reading women, and somehow much worse and portraying my feelings to them, so I decided that I couldn’t take the ambiguity anymore. And so tonight, I bought her some tea latte and we talked about our lives for a while. Finally, I came out and told her that I felt something between us. I told her that I pursued our relationship out of a desire to be with her beyond friendship. I gave her my emotions. And she replied with, “I’m flattered, but I value our time together because I think you are a quality guy. I’ve just always thought of our relationship as a friendship.” Awesome. So I have been investing in a relationship between us for months now, and she has been assuming its because I’m just a nice guy. Great. Perfect. Nothing could be better.
Naturally, I’m pissed. I try and save face and agree to the whole “let’s just be friends” bs that women throw out like leftover Halloween candy, but honestly I want to punch something or do something equally physical/manly. But as I’m growing increasingly frustrated at the lack of punchable items around me, I realize a few things about relationships.
First, relationships are necessarily a two way street. An unbalanced relationship isn’t going to last or amount to anything meaningful.
Second, women either don’t know what they want or can’t directly lead a guy there effectively. Men are direct. We are somewhat simpler creatures. If we like a girl, we can either find the ways to say it or show it. Women are too complex, and trying to a straight answer isn’t an option. Sure, it’s part of the allure, but right after it causes you to invest emotionally in someone when they won’t do the same for you, the lack of clarity is pretty frustrating.
Third, men and women are built to be in relationships. Maybe men more so than women. I know that several guys are looking for physical relationships first and foremost, but deep down I believe in a relational need that can’t be satisfied by sex alone. The Bible talks about two becoming one often. In Hinduism, Mormonism (I think), Judaism and most Asian religions, there is an emphasis on relationships, typically mirrored in the lives of the gods. Krishna has a wife. Yin has Yang. Male is balanced and made whole by Female.
Fourth, I don’t know what I believe about fate, predestination or free will. I don’t know for sure whether we have a God who intervenes in our lives or answers prayers how we typically think of answering. I do believe that prayers are answered in one of two ways: ‘Yes’, or ‘No because there will be something better.’ Looking back, I can clearly see positive effects after I’ve been turned down in the past. I have to believe that if I got turned down tonight, it is because there is something better planned for me.
If you’ve made it this far, congratulations. Nearly 1000 words dedicated to a fake holiday that only serves to make 1/2 of the male population miserable and the other 1/2 poorer. But as much as I’d like to rip on V-Day, I recognize that relationships are important. There is a reason each of us sought out our fraternity and, recognized or not, part of that was the need for brotherhood and community. Sharing that with a woman (or man – it’s 2012, guys) is simply a more intensified expression of the same need. Relationships are expensive, difficult and needlessly complex. But without them, life wouldn’t be nearly as exciting. And so while some of us may not particularly enjoy today, myself included, we can take solace in the fact that we are waiting for something better.
In conclusion, love stinks. But I want it anyway.
purduephitau 
I’ve told people many times that i ‘wasn’t looking for anything right now,’ but the truth of the matter is that no matter how single i have ever been or how happy i have been single or how many times i’ve been burned, if i am given the opportunity to have that relationship with a quality lady i take it 10 out of 10 times (though it 10 may be a bit high for number of times this has happened).
I have had the wonderful misfortune of continuous rejection. Not once have I proven to be more than a nice guy, and because ultimately it’s because women tend not to really like nice guys all that much or none of us would be single.
That or I’m actually a terrible person and I just can’t tell. Both are equally likely.